Every celebrity will eventually fall victim to a malicious albeit hilarious rumor at some point in their career; they love cocaine, they used to murder hobos, they had sex with Kim Kardashian, it’s a mixed bag of squalor. But few movie trivia and star rumors stand the test of time like good ol’ gay rumors. You’re gay. She’s gay. I heard Rick Perry once French kissed a valet in lieu of a tip. It never goes away and, for some reason, the very idea of a celebrity we think is not gay maybe being gay is somehow the most enthralling thing ever. Or at least it is to tabloids and blogs. And in honor of that, let’s peruse some of stardom’s most spectacular speculated-homosexuals, and see if we can suss out where all this rumor mongering started.
Hulk Hogan
Latest victim of the “you like boys” brigade, Hulk Hogan’s ex-wife wrote a book a few months back in which she outed the Hulkster as having given the Full Nelson a little too closely to fellow grappler Brutus the Barber Beefcake. Seemed like Roddy Piper would have been a more logical choice, what with the kilts and all, but anyway, it was the Barber. Actually, Brutus may have worn pink, so it’s all coming together now.
Since we at Holy Taco obviously have no first hand (or penis) knowledge of this sort of thing, we’ll have to go to the pictures to see if there’s any cause to believe this gay Hulk hullabaloo.
Hard to say here this seems like two friends, in a cage, with bare, greasy thighs and a pair of hedge clippers. That’s not weird, right?
Of course, this doesn’t really imply anything does it? Sure, it looks kind of like Hulk is just finishing off a sort of painful, public blowjob but it’d be juvenile for us to even mention it since that’s obviously way out of context.
This is Hulk’s ex, though, and she totally looks like a discount tranny, so maybe she does know the score. Hard to say.
Tom Cruise
Rumors of Tom Cruise being gay floated onto the scene about the same time he danced into the room in Risky Business wearing a pair of tighty whities. Back in 1998, Cruise had to sue a UK tabloid for saying his marriage to Nicole Kidman was a sham meant to cover up his super gay Days of Thunder. In 2001 a gay porn star said he’d had an affair with Cruise and he got sued, too. He later sued another guy who said he had video of Cruise being gay that was not the beach volleyball scene from Top Gun. South Park even did an episode about it. Everyone’s heard this rumor.
People often forget that, before Cruise went batshit insane and started suing everyone, jumping on sofas and fighting aliens on behalf of his sham Church, he was a beloved star. I don’t give a shit how gay that volleyball scene in Top Gun was, Top Gun is an awesome movie. It’s not really a very good movie, but it’s an awesome movie. Interview with the Vampire, Rain Man, A Few Good Men, there’s at least one Tom Cruise movie that you like out there, so why all the rumor mongering? Best to go to the pics again.
So here’s a random man holding Tom Cruise close and tender. Not necessarily gay, even if he’s in a shiny, vaguely metallic shirt with big, loose cuffs and it looks like he’s about to give Tom some tongue love. Could be just stealing his wallet.
Um..well, OK, sometimes actors do magazine spreads and, you know…do the same pose made popular by leathermen in the backs of certain magazines. Whatever.
Yeah, it’s the Top Gun volleyball scene. Maverick and Goose. Sweaty and half naked.
John Travolta
Scientology attracts the winners and John Travolta was their poster boy before Cruise came along (also before Battlefield: Earth made the religion a bigger joke than it previously had been). Also like Cruise, many people continue to publish stories about how Travolta loves dudes. A gay porn star back in the 80’s claimed an affair with him. Alleged author Robert Randolph really seems convinced that, in between movies, Travolta is doing nothing but banging dudes at health spas and in back alleys. And Carrie Fisher, who once ate all your memories of Princess Leia, also says that Travolta is about as gay as a family band.
Alright, yeah. That’s Travolta kissing some guy. Maybe he’s just really friendly.
Oprah
Even though she apparently can’t keep a job, under employed media magnate Oprah Winfrey is known for more than just being rich enough to have us killed for insulting her on our website. For the past forever, she’s been in a relationship with a dude named Steadman, but they’ve never gotten married or had children and lord knows that screams “lesbian” as sure as dating Ellen. Worse, Oprah is known to name drop her friend Gayle on a regular basis. Gayle, eh? More like Gay…right?
Oprah has denied numerous times that she’s a lesbian, and she’s never really been seen out at lesbian bars eating Filet-o-Fish or anything, so again, off to the photos!
What’s your point?
Still not getting it.
Ohhhh. I see.
Hugh Jackman
Wait wait wait, someone out there thinks Wolverine is gay? But how? He’s Wolverine! He’s stabbing and slicing and smoking cigars across 4 separate films as Wolverine. This doesn’t even make a lick of –
Oh no, that’s not fair. That’s out of context! He acts on Broadway, he needs costumes. Since when is Broadway gay?
Richard Gere
The movie Pretty Woman came out in 1990. Shortly thereafter, a fax began circulating, reportedly from the ASPCA, that Richard Gere was wanted for gerbil abuse. It spread like wildfire. Was this the origin of the gerbil story or just where it picked up steam, no one can say. But somewhere out there, someone sat down one day and thought “wouldn’t it be hilarious if I convinced people Richard Gere shved gerbils in his ass?” And he did. Amazing.
It should be noted, first and foremost, that gerbilling, as it came to be known, is not gay. It’s just insane. No one really did it before. The story, sans Gere, can be traced all the way back to the early 1980s in which an unnamed gay man was admitted to a hospital with a mouse lodged in a place mice don’t go. However, medical journals have no reports of this ever happening because, as you may or may not know, no one would ever do this. Also, few gerbils would ever acquiesce.
So how did Richard Gere of all people get attached to this crazy urban legend? To the photos!
